


Star-Spangled Shenanigans

by Tsula



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, I had way too much fun with this, Reader is a BAMF, Steve being cute, Tony is a dick, little bit of steaminess, lots of teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 06:46:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6944086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsula/pseuds/Tsula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You took the phone and balanced it between your ear and shoulder. “Hey there, I’m getting attacked by Hydra and would like to order a serving of star-spangled sexiness with a side of timely heroism!” You slammed the coat rack right into the ribs of the next guy through the door, reaching up to steady and hold the phone as the wood shattered and fell to pieces. “I should be pretty easy to find.” You grit out before kicking the man in the face to make him <i>stay down</i>. “Just follow the sirens and gunshots.” Something in the distance blew up and you had to amend the statement. “…and explosions apparently.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Star-Spangled Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> *snorts* The title is silly, but it's the best I could come up with. 
> 
> I've been working on this almost exclusively since the idea slammed into me out of nowhere yesterday and I went a little overboard. :D
> 
> This is mostly just lots of crack, fluff, and bamf-ery. Plus just a tiiiiiny smidge of angst and a side of steaminess. Rated for swearing, violence, and some sexual tension. 
> 
> *Songs*  
>  _Gentleman : Psy_  
>  Scars : X Japan  
> Toy Soldiers : Britney Spears

There hadn’t been a lot in the way of ‘normal’ in your life for awhile. Even before you’d found out you were _special_ or before bumping into a real-life superhero. You’d always lived a life just on the outskirts of normality. Whether it was growing up on all corners of the globe thanks to your father’s consistently temporary deployments, or being the black sheep among the other kids because you could beat even the boys in mock combat. You were different and perfectly happy with that fact. 

Hell, everyone you actually kept in contact with on a regular basis was ‘different’. The person who’d become nearest and dearest to your heart was more than three times your age and could flip a car without breaking a sweat. His on-again, off-again roommate wore wings and could _fly_. The guy living in your loft was a trained killer with memory issues and had once tried to kill you. 

Normal was far removed from what you were used to, so it should have been a clear warning sign when that’s what your day shaped up to be. No crisis cropping up, no media bullshit to deal with, no one even giving you a second glance as you strolled into the office to run Tony’s little errand. Apparently he was too busy and you were in the area: something he knew because he’d hacked the GPS in your phone like the smug, brilliant shithead that he was. 

You loved that man to death, but that didn’t mean there weren’t times you wanted to crack him over the head with the nearest heavy object. 

Thankfully there wasn’t much to the task. You were met quickly by the manager of Tony’s little side project—whatever it was—and they walked you through the paperwork and hand off. You tucked the small, but sturdy metal case into your pocket and got up to leave. 

That’s kinda when everything went to Hell. 

The door to the room exploded inward, showering it with shards of polished wood and metal fragments. The manager screamed and you shoved her into a nook that turned out to be a small coat room. 

You were unarmed and using the the wall beside the door as cover while handing the woman your phone. 

“Help’s on speed dial,” you said breathlessly before kicking out to trip the attacker in the doorway. He lost his balance enough to bring him closer to your height and you swung out to catch him right under the jaw, knocking his head back and him right out of sight. Though not before you caught sight of a familiar and unwelcome face. Couldn’t just be a run-of-the-mills bad guy, now could it? “Number one!” 

You heard her dialing as you looked around frantically for some kind of weapon. The only viable thing seemed to be a wooden coat rack, but it was better than nothing. 

“H-e-llo?” The woman sobbed out, too frantic and terrified to make much sense. 

So you reached out into her line of sight and motioned for her to hand it over. She seemed more than happy to oblige. 

You took the phone and balanced it between your ear and shoulder. “Hey there, I’m getting attacked by Hydra and would like to order a serving of star-spangled sexiness with a side of timely heroism!” You slammed the coat rack right into the ribs of the next guy through the door, reaching up to steady and hold the phone as the wood shattered and fell to pieces. “I should be pretty easy to find.” You grit out before kicking the man in the face to make him _stay down_. “Just follow the sirens and gunshots.” Something in the distance blew up and you had to amend the statement. “…and explosions apparently.”

The sound of laughter brought you up short and sent a chill racing down your spine. Oh, no. Oh, crap. Apparently the shivering civilian managed to mis-dial. 

“Shit,” you groaned at the realization of it being _Tony_ on the line, rather than Steve. “I’m never gonna hear the end of this, am I?” 

“Not in this lifetime, sweetheart.” 

“You recorded it, didn’t you?” Really, you didn’t even have to _ask_.

“You know me so well.”

Your phone vibrated and you pulled back to see a text. A mass text with a lot of familiar numbers and a media file labeled ‘star-spangled-sexiness’. “You didn’t.”

“Yeah, I kinda did.”

***

Steve, as a rule, did not open texts from numbers he didn’t know or from Tony Stark. He’d been burned one too many times on that front and had more than learned his lesson. Not only did Stark have a bad habit of being chatty when he drank, but even sober he loved his little tricks. Especially the ones that ended up being embarrassing for the person on the receiving end. 

So, when he checked his phone and saw Tony’s name, he sat it right back down and went back to watching TV. Sam got a text around the same time, but must have opened it as Steve heard a low voice that wasn’t Sam’s coming from the kitchen moments before the man burst into surprised laughter. 

It sounded like a feminine voice, but he couldn’t hear much more than the tone.

He craned his head to look back and found Sam coming towards him looking a strange mix of serious and amused. Like he was torn down the middle between smiling and frowning and had ended up doing small amounts of both in quick succession.

Before Steve could question this, Sam replayed the message. He recognized your voice right away and the first few words coming from it choked his heart with panic. _Hydra_ in particular hit him with a very heavy flood of ice that made him feel like he was being frozen from the inside out. He was already on his feet and half-way out the door before you’d finished speaking. Though Sam was hot on his heels with the message still playing. 

Amusing and embarrassing as your witty call for aid was, the most pressing thing in the world to him was the fact that you were in danger. He didn’t care how well you could defend yourself, or what abilities you had, he’d still be hit with that familiar surge of panic every single time you were near a fight. 

No doubt you’d been meaning to call _him_ for help and got Tony by mistake. Later, when you were out of harm’s way, he’d take the time to be appropriately mortified by the mix-up. Tony would almost certainly make sure of that. 

***

It quickly became apparent that your little safety nook wasn’t all that safe. Whatever the Hydra numbskulls had blown up was making parts of the floor sink in. 

So, with the three stooges out cold—the third one burst in while you were surveying the room and got a boot to the nether regions for his trouble—you hurried out the door with the quaking manager at your heels. With a little corner ducking and a near miss with two more, now unconscious, flunkies, you found an out of the way, windowless broom closet with a decent set of locks on a more stable side of the building. You ushered the woman inside after checking to make sure no one was in sight.

“Stay in there until the cops show up.” She didn’t need to be told twice. You heard the click of the lock and felt just a little better for it. 

It was not fun trying to attack and defend at the same damn time. 

Thankfully Tony was on his way and everyone on the team had a copy of your ‘distress call’ with GPS coordinates to go along with it. So you would soon be safe, but teased without mercy. Though, it was really Steve you were feeling bad for. Most of the jabs would be turned his way over the ‘star-spangled sexiness’ comment. It probably came as a surprise to no one that you two were _together_ , even if you hadn’t outright announced it. 

You took the stairwell as fast as you could, jumping half the stairs along the way in an attempt to reach the bottom before anymore explosions could destabilize the place. Maybe if the morons saw you out in the open they’d be inclined to leave the building and the people inside it alone. Plus it’d be easier for your impending rescue to happen if you got all the bad guys out into the open. 

Though, you might not have thought it through too well. A fact that slammed into you with all the subtlety of a brick wall in a high speed chase as you opened the emergency exit and found a barren stretch of parking lot. 

That was a lot of open ground to cover and hope there weren’t any snipers lying in wait. But the warning bells were going off to let all the baddies know just where you were and it kinda went against your entire plan to run back inside. 

So you sucked it up, crossed your fingers, and started running. 

You were halfway to the safety presented by a big rig in the distance when the sound of gunfire brought you up short. It was closer than a sniper would have been, but that only meant it was harder for them to miss. 

The bullet ripped through your arm, healing almost immediately; but still managing to hurt like a sonova bitch.

The gunman at least had the decency to look abashed when you turned towards him, sans gaping wound; but with a nice hole in your shirt and blood all over it. He looked pretty shocked honestly, though not as much as he did when you shot him in almost _exactly_ the same place he’d shot you. 

Hawkeye you may not have been, but you were a pretty damn decent shot with unmoving targets. 

So down went another flunky and out poured a whole shitload of them from the building. Most of them carrying guns too. 

You raced behind the truck as they rained down bullets on you in retribution for their fallen comrade… or just because they wanted you dead. No doubt your known affiliation with The Avengers didn’t leave you very well liked on their end. 

You dove behind the truck as sirens grew closer and over that the sound of someone flying to your rescue brought your attention skyward. Just in time to see Falcon drop your sexy Captain into the fray too. 

Steve’s shield ricocheted off three targets, knocking them flat on their asses as he rolled into his landing. He wasn’t wearing his suit, but his ass looked just as fabulous in jeans. 

“Hey sweetheart.” He greeted sounding a little breathless.

“Hey yourself~” you replied with a smile. One that he returned with a look of appeased relief before quickly rushing into battle. 

“Your order has arrived!” Sam announced with a laugh as he landed nearby, taking out two flunkies while he was at it. “You _did_ order some timely heroism with your star-spangled sexiness, right?”

“Yeah, but I forgot to say: ‘hold the sass’.” You replied while catching the commlink he tossed your way.

“Oh, my bad,” he replied with that boyish smirk. “I can take it back if you want something else.”

You affixed the device over your ear with a sigh. “Oh, can it, birdbrain.” 

“Yeah, because I haven’t heard _that one_ before.” Sam rolled his eyes before taking flight with that bemused smirk still in place.

“Not very original,” Nat agreed over the link and you could hear the smile in her voice. “ _Star-spangled sexiness_ , on the other hand...”

You swore you saw Steve stagger at the comment, but if he did he recovered quickly. 

“Not you too!” Your outrage sounded more like a pitiful whine. 

You heard the roar of a motorcycle maybe ten seconds before you saw her racing into the battle. She let the bike slam right into a group of bad guys while she jumped and rolled to safety. As usual, the woman made one hell of an entrance.

Meanwhile Sam was flying around taking out bad guys from a distance while Steve beat them down up close and personal. 

They didn’t even _need_ you, which was just fine and dandy. You’d had your dose of excitement and heroism for the month. Let the professionals handle the rest of it while you prepared yourself to be the butt of more jokes. 

You slid down the side of the truck, leaning against the back wheels while watching the cops get ready to make some arrests. Thankfully they were smart enough to stay out of the way until the bad guys were subdued. 

They knew the routine. 

That was where Steve found you resting after the fight was over and you let him help you to your feet. You were about to say something cute about him playing hero when you caught the way his expression shifted as he started to come in for a hug. 

His hand lingered above the nearly dry blood stain on your shirt and your chest ached at the mix of anger and sorrow in his gaze. He knew how fast you healed, but he also knew you still felt the pain. Even if you didn’t he probably still would have had that heartbreaking, kicked puppy look that you wanted to kiss away. 

Your sweet, ever loving Stevie who just couldn’t stand the thought of anyone hurting you. He was close enough you could have kissed him right then… and you would have too, if someone didn’t have bad timing. 

You recognized the sound of his arrival before you even heard his voice, but you had very little time to prepare yourself for his snark. Or the new color scheme assaulting your eyes when you turned to greet him.

Tony was a damn _jackass_.

“Someone call for some star-spangled sexiness?” He made a sweeping gesture at his new paint job while you stood there gaping and Steve hung his head in mortified disbelief. You almost couldn’t _believe_ he’d taken the time to repaint himself like the freaking Iron-Patriot.

If there was ever a time you’d wished you could summon up Thor’s ‘magic hammer’, it was right then. You might have sold your soul just to be able to throw it at him _once_. It would have been so nice to see his smug ass go flying through the wall. “…Get out of that suit so I can hit you.”

Tony’s head tilted like he might have been contemplating it. He was probably trying to imagine going one on one with you sans the protective plating. It wasn’t like he _couldn’t_ fight without the suit, but you did kinda have the whole accelerated healing thing on your side. “Pass.”

Sam and Nat took that time to casually stroll back over as the police took over bagging and tagging the Hydra dipshits. Just another day in the life of a superhero, right?

Nat took one cursory glance at Iron-man’s new paint job before pinning him down with _the look_. “Really, Tony? This is what you’re up to while one of your own is fighting off Hydra?”

He held his hands up to placate her, but from him the gesture was ultimately mocking and dismissive. Especially with that smug, knowing tone that came coupled with a matching smirk. “Kinda felt like she had things covered on her own. Plus you know our pretty boy patriot rushed here the second he heard she was under attack.” He sighed as if suddenly burdened. “Probably didn’t even take the time to actually _listen_ to what she was saying after the words ‘attacked by Hydra’.”

“You know me well, Stark.” Steve stated evenly, though he looked a little like he wanted to walk away from the whole damn discussion. Just toss his hands up in a ‘fuck this shit’ gesture and get the hell out of there. 

The pink in his cheeks was so adorable that you couldn’t help enjoying his discomfort though. _Just a little_. It was kind of his fault for being so damn cute anyway. Plus you were anticipating all the ways you could make this humiliation up to him later. 

“No problem though,” Tony smirked and you felt the curl of unease in your gut. His phone suddenly rang and he held it up with a look of feigned curiosity as it belted out ‘a serving of star-spangled sexiness’ _in your voice_. “Oh, would you look at that, Steve’s calling.”

For a very brief moment you felt oddly thankful that Clint and Wanda weren’t there, but then you remembered he’d sent the damn file to _everyone_. This was just the tip of the iceberg and the thought made you want to run crying to Vision like a kid tattling on a naughty sibling. Though, with your luck, even _he’d_ have something smart to say about this. 

“You are the king of douchebags.” You stated and naturally it just made Tony laugh. He was more than aware he was a giant bag of douchery. Just as you were more than aware that he _enjoyed_ being one. 

Steve was trying, and failing, to suppress as smile at your remark. Sam was just straight up laughing over it while Nat fiddled with her phone. 

“Tony, call me.” She commanded and he did so, if only to see what she was up to. 

‘The King of Douchebags’ rang out as her new ringtone for him and it was your turn to crack up this time. 

“I love you.” You told her through your fit of laughter as she smirked. 

“I know.” 

Tony shook his head at the both of you before he motioned at you and Steve, still standing so close but not nearly close enough. “Come on and kiss her, we don’t have all day here Cap.”

You thought for sure Steve was going to tell Tony where he could shove it, but he took you by surprise. His hand curled around your waist, making you jolt a little at the familiar rush of electric tension and desire from his touch. Regardless of the smirking audience he tugged you close and right to his lips in one easy motion. Just the way he would have if you’d been alone. 

Suddenly you didn’t give a damn _who_ was watching. All that mattered was Steve and that soft, silken hair that you loved running your fingers through. He trembled a little against you as you did so, kissing you a little harder for it, and holding you tighter as well. 

The majority of your surroundings were lost beyond the thrumming of your heart and the heat of his embrace. Though something Sam said did kinda pull your attention away from Steve’s lips. To be fair, those lips were already tugging up into a bemused smile at his friend’s jab. “You realize she meant Steve with that whole ‘star-spangled sexiness’ thing, right?”

Tony was looking very smug and amused when you glanced over. “Considering I was the one she called, I’m almost entirely positive she was ordering _me_.”

You really needed access to Mjolnir. Or just Thor. He’d probably kick Tony’s ass if you asked nicely. “I am going to _shoot you_ in a minute…”

“With what gun, exactly?”

You held out your hand towards Nat and she passed you one of hers without a word. 

Tony pointed at her as his face mask dropped down protectively. “Betrayal!”

She cocked her head a little to the side with a mocking smirk before she turned to look at you. ”Want me to hold him down?”

”As fun as that would undoubtedly be, I think I hear Pepper calling.” Tony even cupped a hand around his ear and tilted his head towards a sound that was almost certainly coming from his imagination. “Yep, gotta run.”

You pointed the gun at him with a feral smile and Nat sunk into a bit of a crouch, ready to pounce at your signal. ”Tell her you’re gonna be late.”

Before anyone could get their hands on him, and while Steve shook with silent laughter, Tony shot right up into the air. ”Yeah… She gets a little _testy_ when I make her wait. Have fun unwrapping your star-spangled sexiness though.”

He took off like a bat outta hell, leaving you bemused, but ultimately pleased with the results. Even if he hadn’t thought to collect the package in your pocket that was the root of this whole mess. No doubt he’d come looking for it later: preferably when you weren’t armed. 

Nat smirked as you handed back her gun while Sam snickered at Tony’s parting jab. The two of them dispersed then to give you some amount of privacy. As much as one could really have in the remains of a battlefield swarming with cops and medical personnel that is. Though Nat did tap her ear pointedly as she left to remind you both to remove your comms, something you were immensely grateful for. 

You’d had enough embarrassing blunders for one day. 

You pocketed the little earpiece with a relieved sigh as Steve removed his own. 

“Ready to go home?” He asked with that smile that never failed to leave you breathless.

“Yeah,” you leaned in close and nuzzled the underside of his jaw. “I’d really like to _unwrap_ some star-spangled sexiness.”

As much as this statement flustered the hell out of him, he still laughed. He also wrapped you up nice and tight in his arms and kissed you senseless. 

***

The drive back to your place was relatively peaceful. You leaned against Steve’s shoulder even as the seat-belt pressed uncomfortably into your midriff, and he took every stop along the way as an opportunity for a kiss. Getting so into it a couple of times that he missed a few lights, in fact. Not that either of you minded, but you were starting to feel a certain anxious need to be home.

Or just anywhere with a bed, before you pulled him into the backseat instead. Though, you imagined with his size it would be a bit tight back there. 

That was about the only thing that kept you on your better behavior, because you knew you could easily have coaxed him into it. Probably without even asking. 

He was on the frenzied side himself when he parked in front of your house and slid out of the car to rush over to the passenger door. You let him haul you out and press you briefly into the side of the car with a harried, need-driven kiss before you started leading him inside. His hands and lips making it hard to find your keys and harder to get them in the lock. 

You were giggly and overstimulated when the two of you staggered through the doorway, but the sight of what was waiting in your living room doused that fire like a bucket of ice water. 

Bucky was looking quite comfy on your couch, but that wasn’t what made you nervous. Rather it was the shit eating grin he wore at the sight of you both and the phone clutched in his non-metal hand.

“Oh dear god, he texted you too.” No doubt Tony had also given him the green light to stay put and wait for you. He probably figured you’d both run home looking to tear each other’s clothes off and wanted to do a little friendly cock-blocking. Another act of douchebagery you’d have to get him back for. 

Buck’s somehow widening grin was answer enough. Steve’s shoulders dropped with a heavy groan and you turned right around and walked out the door. 

Or, tried to. Steve caught you around the waist before more than one of your feet made it through the doorway. For a moment you thought he was going to use you as a shield against what was bound to be absolutely _merciless_ teasing, but instead he tossed you over his shoulder and walked out the door _with_ you. 

The sound of Bucky’s laughter chased you out of the house and had him picking up the pace. He got you both back in the car in record time and turned to you from the driver’s seat looking flustered and a little panicky. “Hotel?”

“I like the way you think.”

**Author's Note:**

> P.s. I totally have ideas for three more fics connected to this. >.>


End file.
